I forget what we were talking about, but recently I shared with my partner:
“I wish every man in the world could hear this song.”
I may be biased, it’s by one of my favorite artists in the world, but truly, I think it’s one that could be transcendent for men.
What I really meant when making that statement, was that I wish people would consciously consume it. That they would digest the lyrics line by line. That they would intentionally comprehend the message being conveyed. Ultimately, that they would start to form their own definition—of what it means to be a man.
It feels like the topic of masculinity has been explored deeper and deeper over these last few years. Yet to no avail. It feels like it’s just people complaining that we’ve somehow lost our masculinity, or forgotten what it’s like to be a man. I’ll be honest—I’m not even really sure what that word actually means. I’m not the most equipped to write you a piece on it, on traditional gender roles, on societal expectations. But I am equipped to give you my perspective, my unique positioning, my viewpoint—on what it means to be a man in this world. Simply, on how I believe a true, pure, faithful man should operate. At least at a foundational level.
I also feel it’s important to add, I didn’t grow up with any examples of what a good man was. When I say good, I don’t mean kind or positive. I mean someone honorable, having integrity, and operating with intention. I didn’t have the best role models. I didn’t have a present father. There weren’t many adult males around me who could tug me and show me the way. There weren’t many who I could model behavior after. There weren’t many I could learn valuable lessons from. There weren’t many who could walk in front of me, almost clearing the path a little bit, while simultaneously telling me how cold, disruptive, dark, challenging, and boiling the pressures of the world would inevitably be for a boy stepping into the real world and learning how to become a man.
Don’t get me wrong. I would’ve loved to. I think having this creates wonders for little boys. I think it sets them up from a much more concrete starting point. I think it paves the way and allows men to become men—and to operate from a more grounded position.
I preface this piece by saying all of that, that while I didn’t have the best models—I somehow, at the same time, had the best model. Life taught me. With my own conscious choices, decision-making, openness, and curiosity, I learned. I formed. I molded myself towards taking bits and pieces from traits I did feel aligned with. And I created the version of the man that I wanted to be.
Not only for myself. For my loved ones. For my partner. For strangers who interact with me daily. Ultimately, for God. To be a representation of him. At all times.
And I’m still creating. I forever will be. It’s a lifelong journey with no finish line.
I think it’s important to share that I believe many people—many men, have a perception that being a man means what traditionally has come to mind for so long. When I think of the most traditional, old-culture, engrained school of thought of traits a man should possess, I think of ego, being strong-willed, being a provider, commanding, logical, short-fused, of a few words, disciplined, corrective, stoic, dejected, and emotionally disconnected. Amongst many other characteristics.
And this isn’t to say I believe this is black and white. I actually think few things in this life are. I’m not saying that all ‘traditional’ men operate like this. I’m not saying this as a blanket statement. I strive often to stray very clear from generalizations. Many men might possess most of these traits and still have the ones I align with and embody as well. Many have a great balancing act. Many can switch on and off. That’s besides the point. But when I think of a traditional man and their role in this world, I believe those few descriptive traits come to mind. For better or worse. And seemingly, it seems that’s what society chalks it up to. And that they keep it moving. As if to say, this is what’s expected of you. This is how you are. Now go on about your life.
And speaking of what’s expected of you—I think many men in this world live their lives with an immense, subconscious pressure to become something. To build a legacy. To leave a mark. To have impact. To provide for their loved ones. To figure it out. To have it all, figured out. To attain the unrealistic and unreasonable. To reach heights that are unfathomable. To keep a strong, willed, and enduring demeanor through it all. Without ever complaining. Without ever expressing. Without ever showcasing pain. Without ever appearing sad. Without falling victim to their anger.
Men have had to battle two walls up. The one society has placed in front of them, and the one they’ve built for themselves. Right on top of it.
It feels as if you ask most men what traits they should possess, some that come to mind are being aggressive, dominant, analytical, strong, tough, in control, and blunt, to name a few. I also recognize that people have vastly different interpretations of what these all mean.
Take being strong for example. I deeply believe men should be. But it feels like the train of thought for men stops at just being physically strong. I think a man who’s truly strong, is strong in multi-faceted ways. He’s strong in all the different areas of his life that require him to be. Not to mention, it’s not black or white. It’s a spectrum. And some days you might have it. Some days you might not. And that’s more than okay. But it feels like for men, they feel that’s forbidden. Men should be strong physically, but they also should cultivate strength mentally. They also should cultivate strength emotionally. They also should cultivate strength spiritually.
I think a large part of writing this piece for me is to remind men that they can be happy. That they can be sad. That they can be vulnerable. That it’s perfectly okay to not have it all together. That some seasons of life require you to ask for help, to lean on others, to rely on support, to admit when you feel incapable. And that these things don’t make you any less of a man.
I think another large part for me is to remind men that carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders isn’t the most noble thing they can do. Recognizing when you’re not strong enough to carry it alone is.
To remind men that although society has placed an unrealistic expectation on us, it doesn’t absolve us of our choice. Of our agency. Of our capability to choose to do better. To get better. To challenge the unspoken. To confirm or deny beliefs. To continually shape ourselves. To grow. To be pure, honest, reflective, and willing. Willing to dare greatly when it comes to figuring out what being a man looks like for them. Not for everyone else. Not for society. Not for social media. Not for traditional gender dynamics. And certainly not for what feels rigid and like the only way to be a man.
I want men to stop lying to themselves. I want them to stop trapping and caging themselves. I want them to stop suppressing. I want them to stop bottling. I want them to stop betraying themselves.
I want men to be sad more often. (I can explain this in a another piece, but generally what I mean is, that I want men to feel the full range of their human experience. Being sad is part of it).
I want men to feel. I want men to spend time with themselves. I want men to express. To be vulnerable. To be truthful. To be honest with themselves.
I want them to frown, to be upset, to cry even. To recognize that they aren’t a machine. That they’re a present body navigating a human experience. That they’re not immune to challenges or pressures, despite the false belief this world has conjured up in their brains.
I want men to appreciate themselves. To be graceful with themselves. To be kinder to themselves. To learn how to truly and purely love—themselves. I want them to deeply pour into themselves. With what their soul requires. With what moves them. With what excites them and fills them with joy. With what inspires them.
I want men to express their feelings. To understand what’s happening inside them first. But then, to have the courage to express it with others. Whether it’s with friends, a partner, family, or another space that creates safety for them, I want them to build the courage to share what they feel. I want them to understand that building the courage to express is more courageous than keeping it all inside. And that expression is what paves the way for how powerful you can become as a man. Not in the traditional sense of power, but in the true, pure sense, that aids you in being all you can be. Expression is freeing. And I believe more men need to choose this path of liberating themselves. No one else can do it for us.
I want men to purify their ego. To let go of their pride. To become okay with being wrong. To let others lead when the time and space is prompting them to.
I want them to understand that vulnerability, letting go, and loosening the grip, all make you stronger. Contrary to the weakness we’ve been conditioned to believe.
I want us to stand with our suffering, not letting it overtake us, but learning to look it in the face and position ourselves stronger than it. And this requires way more than just physical strength.
I want us to position our pain. To feel it. To give it breathing room. But to utilize it for the greater good of becoming our best selves. Not letting the pain drive us. Not suppressing it any longer. But allowing it to fuel us in a healthy, productive way.
I want men to feel that they’re enough.
That’s the whole point of this piece. Isn’t it?
It’s the title of the song that inspired this. It’s the unspoken, invisible, underlying emotive sentiment most men feel. That they aren’t enough. That they take on and on, and it’s never enough. That they have to figure it all out—and it’s never enough. That they have to show up in the world as a man, as a partner, as a professional, as a son, as a brother, as a father. And that it never feels like enough.
I actually want men to understand that we’re more than enough. That we carry so much. But if we would like to start to challenge and shift the tide, and receive grace and love and empathy and assurance, that it starts with self first. As does everything else.
We need to be able to face ourselves. We need to start challenging societal standards. We need to choose the beliefs we want to protect, and discard the ones no longer serving us. We need to figure out what our interpretation of being a man really is.
Out of fear of this getting too long, I’d like to wrap this piece up by circling back to what I shared in the beginning. I’ve learned and molded and shaped and built and refined and defined what it means to be a man—for me. That doesn’t necessarily mean that every other man in the world has to follow suit. I’m not positioning my perspective as the end-all, be-all. I’m not saying I have it all figured out. That would be contradicting to the exact essence of this essay.
What I am saying however, is that I feel full conviction in what it means to be a man—for me. And it’s how I’ll continue to show up in the world. While keeping an open mind. While challenging beliefs that no longer serve me. While feeling and expressing emotion. While being present with myself, and those around me, the best way I know how. While leading with intention, with introspection, and with initiative.
I believe a lot of men are so disconnected from what they even value. What principles they believe in. What they truly actually stand for. For me that’s being present, being confident, being empathetic, being graceful and gracious, being vulnerable, choosing honesty and truth, expressing myself, seeing people, feeling with people, cultivating fortitude, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, too.
For whatever it’s worth, I vow to continue to show up in the world the best way I know. As a man who is graceful. Who expresses gratitude and thankfulness every chance he gets. Who leads with empathy and understanding. Who values being kind, with every person and interaction. I vow to continue being a representation of God. To love, to forgive, to accept. I vow to continue to lead with vulnerability, with honesty, and to continue to stretch and challenge myself to be the best version I can be. To continually prioritize being a better brother. A better partner. A better son. A steward of faith, and with willingness to see others. At their best and at their most crippling seasons in life.
I vow to myself, to continue to lead with patience, with nurture, with care and consideration, with communicative effort. I vow to continue to lean in to the belief that I’m enough. That I’m more than enough. That men carry so much in this world, and they they are more than enough.
But I will also lead with openness, with curiosity, with the invitation for other men, to join me on the quest of figuring out what being a man actually looks like. I will continue to hold women up. I actually think this is such an important part of what it means to be a man. Maybe a piece for another day. But I vow also to hold men up. So that we can be better for ourselves, for the women in our lives, and for the communities in our world that underpin our existence.
For those interested in listening to the song I referenced earlier, here it is:
Also, I feel compelled to share this. I promise I’m not justifying or over-explaining myself. Just finding space within this piece to share how I feel about my writing here. I find these self-reflections and assessments on my writing journey kind of fun. And beneficial.
I started writing this piece probably early to mid August. Then, I fell victim to what I still have to do a much better job at. Staying disciplined. Adhering to my routine. Taking action on what I love. Not just saying that I do.
Life kicked up again for me. I traveled to Puerto Rico and experienced an incredible, historical, legendary Bad Bunny concert. Toying with writing a piece on this?
The following week or so, I traveled to Colombia and witnessed a beautiful wedding. Maybe another piece on this experience?
I say all this to say that, I feel I started this piece really well. I feel my ending could be a bit more concrete. I feel I could develop this way more.
But I’m also very cognizant of not getting stuck. Not letting perfectionism or procrastination creep back in.
So, I’m proud of what I’ve come up with so far, at the very least. There will always be opportunity to shape and expand this in the future.
If you have thoughts or perspectives you’d like to share, I am always so open to hearing them. If you’ve made it this far, thanks so much for taking the time. Once again, you spending time with my words, is the most meaningful gift in the world to me. Can’t thank you enough!
I hope you have a great Sunday, and a great week ahead.
Until the next piece,
Kevin
Good read, keep writing Kev!